‘Costco’ is Capitalist for ‘assholes in bulk.’ Were you aware of it?* If you have ever had a Costco membership, you are probably aware of it. I have never gone to Costco without wanting to die at some point during the process. We only just got our household membership in December (thanks, LivingSocial!) and I went this afternoon for a few things we really needed and to do some price shopping and general reconnaissance. The first obstacle I encountered was a woman laughing at her boyfriend, who had just proclaimed, “There won’t be any lines!” Come on, bro. Do you even Costco?
(Hang on, we’re going to play some Cards Against Humanity. If we get any good cards, I’ll let you know.)
Okay, where was I? Costco! Right. The second obstacle I encountered was no carts. And then carts. And then sheeple getting their carts, turning around midstream, and going against the flow. Eventually I got my cart and joined the herd moving toward the entrance. No card checker guy. Fine, fine. Gone is the thrill of my first trip inside Costco as an actual member. Thanks, dude.
By the time I crossed the width of the store to reach the pharmacy area, I was ready to leave. Why must people walk in the middle of an aisle while texting on their phones and not paying any attention to people with carts that might be right there trying to figure out if something is worth buying or not? And while we’re at it, when you’re the lead cart in a caravan of carts because you’re clearing the way for everyone, please do not stop your cart and then leave it with no room for any of us to get around you because you saw a pair of pants AHEAD OF YOU that you liked.
I got my melatonin. I got my liquigel ibuprofen. I got my Ensure. (I am addicted to Ensure. Ice cream and Ensure are the only two things I ate a lot of while I was Very Sick that I can still eat now. Seriously. I walked by a display of apple juice in Costco and almost threw up. Achalasia has ruined apple juice for me. I am not happy.)
Then I got mired in my favorite part of the store: meats, cheeses, and boozes. SO many cheeses. And meats. And boozes. Like Jameson, which I bought and just consumed. Two shots of it. I don’t drink much these days. My body does not like drunk, generally. It prefers small quantities of beer, cider, and whisky. Enough for a buzz but not enough for drunkenness. Except that one time a few weeks ago but that is rare and it took me 3 days to recover.
I celebrated Christmas Eve with some wine my boss gave me for Christmas and I wasted half the bottle because we just. can’t. wine. anymore. After half a glass, I had a raging headache and a sickly buzz and the smell of the wine permeated EVERYTHING. Sorry, Wine, you and I might part familiar company. Whisky and this artisanal Crispin’s honeycrisp hard apple cider are my new friends.
Things are a little bit brighter in 2015, so far, and it was convenient that I got back on my meds on New Year’s Eve. A fresh year, a book of empty pages that I can fill with whatever beautiful, weird, ugly, flowing, blunt, brilliant LIFE that I want. This is the fourth time we’ve sat and had a chat this week. I’m enjoying it so far. I hope you are, too. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow, Person On the Other Side of the Screen. I hope you’re at peace wherever you are.
*Thank you for this, John Hodgman