I scrubbed potatoes for boiling that night and when I found Potato Butt, I was both horrified and delighted. Horrified because eeewwwaaauuggh are we going to eat the mutated potato? whyyyyy???? and delighted because HEART BUTT SHAPED POTATO. “What shall we do with it?” is probably what I said as I bounded over to Sigot. “Let’s take a picture of us kissing it because it’s like a butt AND a heart!” is probably how she replied. I mean, nothing sums us up quite like butts and hearts.
So we duckfaced at the camera with Potato Butt and I posted on Facebook and probably on Twitter (I’ve requested my Twitter archives from both accounts so I can have more humiliating things to post from Timehop), and yesterday, Timehop reminded me of that night and how everything was about to change, some of it for the better and some of it for the worse, but we faced it together, just like we face everything. Including fire-breathing dragons wearing pink tutus and roller skates.
That’s it. That’s the Legend of Potato Butt. Were you hoping for something more exciting? Something with a bit more bang? Were you expecting Potato Butt to be a resistance fighter in a mythical world where humans grow on trees and in the ground, are picked and harvested and sold for food? Perhaps he led an army of potato warriors into battle against the evil Cauliflower King (Potato Butt and his potato warriors were tired of the Cauliflower King and his followers infiltrating their ranks and pretending to be mashed.)
I don’t remember what happened to Potato Butt. Did he become a part of the delicious mashed heaven Sigot made that New Year’s Eve? Or did we save him on our counter until he shriveled up and no longer resembled a butt OR heart? I like to think Potato Butt made it into stock pot that night and provided us with nourishment and strength. Or carbs and stuff. He was tasty, that I CAN guarantee.