A pre-bed ponderance

I’ve come to realize, in the past few months, that I am exactly where I never thought I’d be: doing none of the things I hoped for ten years ago and being happy about it. I have a job I love that I envision leading to a career, I live in a place I love with the only person I’ve deemed suitable to keep around while I live my life*, I have an amazing family and amazing friends, I have things to be passionate about.

I could go on and on. Of course, there are things I wish hadn’t happened. I wish the church hadn’t run us off because they were afraid we had gone lesbionic*, I wish Electric Girl hadn’t gotten sick, I wish we could’ve been more successful in North Carolina. There are many things I wish I had or hadn’t happened, but one of the strongest convictions I hold is a desire to live a life free of regret. I remember when I discovered the concept – I was sorting out my spirituality at the time – and while I considered living without regret, I realized all the weight it’d lift off my shoulders.

My whole life, society has been training me to be apologetic for my size and gender. It teaches me that my place in society is less, should be invisible and quiet and unimportant. By living a regretless life, I can stop apologizing and feeling guilty about my existence. I can begin to live my life, the life I deserve as a member of the human race.

I can stop letting the past control my thoughts and influence my decisions. I can learn to grow from the things that hurt me, that knock me a few rungs lower on the latter. Embracing a lack of regret doesn’t make me more reckless or careless; it helps me examine obstacles from another angle, one unmarred by the fog of self-criticism.

So right now, I have one regret. It’s not one I expected to have and I’m dealing with moving beyond regret but it’s a hard row to hoe. I think living my life without regret has helped me come to this place of acceptance and peace. Nothing’s perfect, not by a long-shot, but there is something wonderfully comfortable in this place. It makes the day-to-day so much easier.

*It’s worth mentioning that we’re not lesbians, no matter how deeply convinced otherwise some of you think you are


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