In which I award real awards in my imagination to the people who I think deserve them

And also I might award some fake awards. WE’LL SEE.

Cy Young (NL): Cliff Lee. None of this Clayton Kershaw nonsense. SERIOUSLY. Beating Tim Lincecum and being like, amazing doesn’t make you so awesome that you deserve this award. CLEARLY. So Cliff Lee it is.

Cy Young (AL): I don’t know. I like to pretend the AL doesn’t exist. (This is not actually true.)

Cy Young (HONORARY): Tim Lincecum. Obviously.

MVP: Anyone who isn’t Matt Kemp. End of story.

Roberto Clemente Award: Hamburger Helper.

Rookie of the Year: ME.

And finally, who do I want to see in the World Series this year?

The Brewers and the Rangers. HOLLA.

Okay, so now that I’ve done the REAL awards, time to move onto the Fake Awards, or the Laughter In Betweenies, as I like to call them. (Note: most of these awards are going to Giants but there are a few non-SF picks!)

Acquisition of the year: Carlos Keppinger. LET ME EXPLAIN. I couldn’t decide between the two, so I morphed them into one super awesome player. I know a lot of people dislike both players (Carlos Beltran, Jeff Keppinger) for various reasons but I like them both, for different reasons. First of all, I feel like Kepp had instant chemistry with the team and when he went on his little hit streak, it was wonderful. Also, if you weren’t paying attention, he looked like Cody Ross and I liked it. It was like having a matching set! Now, for Beltran. I have to give him a break because he got injured so soon after being acquired. Once he came back from the DL and found his rhythm, he was HOT. He WAS our offense. People weren’t happy when he said he’d consider coming back if we got an offense and I’m not really sure WHY that pissed off so many people. He has a point. Our offense sucked. Our offense was Beltran and Sandoval for awhile. Unacceptable. I do not, however, like him in right field. No hustle. At all. It might be a getting-used-to-the-park thing because sometimes he DID show hustle. But usually he was just too slow over there and when teams (Dbags) discovered that, they cleaned house.

Call Up of the Year: Brandon Crawford. I’m sorry, internet. I love Brandon Crawford. I don’t know why but when he’s on the field, I always watch him. He’s a phenomenal fielder and a horrible batter but shows promise, and will be a vital part of the Giants organization if he gets his bat hot. He has an amazing orientation on the field, almost always knowing the angle at which he needs to get the ball to a base even if he’s in motion away from his target. He makes short stop look easy. Hell, he even pulled off a double play on his own. I can’t find video of that, so here’s video of him doing tricks on the field in AA. Watch it, because this kid is effing brilliant. (Honorable mention: Brandon Belt, Brett Pill, and Hector Sanchez, who caught Tim Lincecum pretty successfully and that is no easy task.)

Most Likely to Get Jerked Around by the Front Office: Brandon mothereffing Belt. Congrats, kid! You’re in the bigs! Eh, no. NO WAIT COME BACK! Oh, you’re injured. Feeling better? Why don’t you just stay down in Fresno for a bit? HEY HEY HEY BRANDON COME ON BACK TO SAN FRANCISCO, BABY. WE LOVE YOU. THE FANS LOVE YOU. Meh…you went 1-4 today and even though Aubrey Huff has gone 5-40 the past three series, we’re going to send you back down to Fresno because you’re just not good enough. Having more AB would help out? Well, get those in Fresno, okay? Sigh. Poor Brandon Belt. He’s a sweet kid, all tall and long-limbed and gangly. We all know he keeps it awkward, and I love that his wife calls him Baby Giraffe. Some people lost faith in Baby Belt toward the end of the season, including Brandon himself, but he’s got a bright future in the majors.

Giant With the Best Spouse: Buster Posey. Can we please just give ALL THE AWARDS to Kristen for gestating some twins AND taking care of her husband? This award is actually for her, so don’t hurry up here all proud and boasting, Buster! Someone’s gotta stay home and change those babies. No but seriously, her husband is severely injured during a play at the plate and is unable to play the rest of the season OR do much around the house, her husband’s injury forces them to move into a single-story home, she’s pregnant with twins, and she pulls it all off while looking FABULOUS. Seriously. Kristen Posey is a goddess.

Story I Don’t Need to Hear Again: The Ryan Vogelsong story. I love Ryan Vogelsong. I love his story. I love everything he has accomplished in his life. I love the Vogelsong family. Immensely. But for the love of all that is holy, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I hope the family can enjoy the offseason and bask in all of the landmark achievements Ryan had this season, and then I hope he can put that behind him and come to play next spring. (And I hope we get him his ring.)

Best Wilson Who is Not Brian: C.J. Obviously. He got destroyed today by a rookie who only had three games under his belt, but none of that matters. He is a hipster prince and if you’re lucky, he’ll lock those big brown eyes on you and then take your picture in a very ironic and triangulated way while being completely STRAIGHT EDGE.

Most Nonchalant Face While Doing Something Epic: Nate Schierholtz. Do you have ANY idea how serene and no-big-deal he looks when he does things like, I don’t know, hit home runs? And I miss him in right field. Oh god, I miss him in right field so much.

Best Bromance: Brian Wilson and Tim Lincecum. Nothing makes me happier than seeing them together. Especially when Tim is throwing sunflower seeds at Brian. Or Brian putting toys on Tim. Honorable mention: The Fresno Grizzlies. No, seriously. It’s a me thing, I guess, but the Cuddles of the Fresno Grizzlies are far and away the best things in the world.

Nice Guy Award: Sergio Romo. Seriously. How could anyone hate this guy? Not only is he an effing amazing pitcher (the best in the league, for real), but he’s also just so stinking NICE. And positive. And smiley. And he’s so SERGIO. Anyone who says bad things about him is a horrible, soulless person.

Saddest Farewell: Pat Burrell. I’m not a huge fan of his but even I cried when he walked in from left field and waved his hat to the crowd. And then got mobbed by the dugout. If he’s forced to retire because of his foot, I hope the Giants find him a place as a coach. He loves the Giants and the Giants love him. San Francisco loves him.

That’s about it for the Laughter In Betweenies this year. Mostly because I’ve been working on this for a day and I’m tired and out of ideas.