You have died of dysentery

Remember Oregon Trail? Of course you do. Pixelated horses and pixelated rivers and pixelated buffalo. It was the highlight of my day when I got some good Oregon Trail time in. We became experts at the right amount of food, right amount of bullets. We knew the risks of fording the river. We (I) hated hunting.

Sometimes we died of dysentery. Like this week, when C and I died of dysentery from getting supplies at Fort Pizza Hut. It was Sunday evening, it was a thousand billion degrees outside, and we were starving after spending an afternoon at the pool. E doesn’t eat meat or dairy, so she got breadsticks and was spared the indignity that C and I suffered.

Oh yeah, Pizza Hut. Your pizza, which was delicious at the time, made us sick. Not right away. No, it waited like a freaking lion in the brush and then pounced like we were wounded gazelle. It has lasted three entire days. Boo, Pizza Hut! Boo for making us die of dysentery!

We did not make it to Oregon. We suffered quietly in the back of our wagon while E bumped us along the rocky, miserable road to wherever it is our sorry carcasses gave in to your cheesy, doughy toxins.

HERE LIE C AND R. THEY DIED WITH A WHIMPER. AND A BANG. BECAUSE THEY EXPLODED.

Image

ANGRY TYPING

Trigger warning: rape, rape culture

 

I just read something on Tumblr about Daniel Tosh that I wish I could erase from my consciousness. Like, seriously it made me so angry that I have indigestion. INDIGESTION. CAUSED BY DANIEL EFFING TOSH. This guy is, for a lack of a better word, a total piece of shit. You know, hahaha rape jokes are soooooooooooooooo funny, man. I still haven’t figured out WHY they’re funny, just that a lot of people (A LOT OF PEOPLE) find them SUPER HILARIOUS.

And you know what’s the absolute killer thing about Daniel Tosh’s unending rape joke schtick? Statistically, he knows women who have been raped. And to stand on stage and make money JOKING about it? Are you effing KIDDING ME? What could you possibly be accomplishing with that aside from adding to your piles of money and teaching other people that it is TOTALLY fine to mock and laugh at rape and rape victims? Someone said he was probably satirizing rape. Um. Satire only works if you’re good at using it, douchebag. And if that’s your idea of satire, lord help us all.

Seriously though, Daniel Tosh cannot fade into obscurity quickly enough. And sadly enough, I doubt that’s going to happen because too many people find abusive, mean, and wildly inappropriate and vile humor appealing. It’s a sad, disgusting commentary on our culture.

The void we’ll fill

You know what sucks about going to the internet for inspiration and workout routines? You can’t escape bullshit fitspo blogs, websites, and “advice”.  I say bullshit because it’s not fitspo (fitness inspiration), it’s just fat hatred or worse, pro-ana or pro-mia (pro anorexia or pro bulimia) stuff woven into talk about fitness. It’s frustrating when your goal isn’t to lose weight but rather to make your body function better. That’s all I want to do. I’m in my 30s now and that means things slow down a little and joints tighten up, and I don’t want to be hobbling around right NOW because what will that mean in twenty years?

The problem, again, is that almost every single place I look online for new workout ideas, I’m overwhelmed with WOULD YOU RATHER WORKOUT OR WOULD YOU RATHER BE A BIG FAT FATTY and honestly, as a big fat fatty, that kind of hurts my feelings. Because you know what? I have a really awesome life. It’s fulfilling and happy and more than I ever thought I’d achieve. The blanket assumption of fat = unhappy is annoying to many, many fat people. NEWSFLASH. We are not all miserable and hoping and praying that we’ll one day find the silver bullet to our fatness. No. Some of us are just fat. Deal with it.

Today I found this winner of an image on Pinterest and it REALLY PISSED ME OFF. Both of those things fit into my busy schedule. And because both of those things fit into my schedule, and the schedules of other fatties like me, my BFF and I are going to start a new blog. For exercising fatties. There will be no bullshit diet talk. There will be no YOU SHOULD EXERCISE TO BE THIN. There will be MOVE YOUR BODY IN ANYWAY YOU CAN BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD and EATING LOTS OF CALORIES IS INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT WHEN UNDERTAKING A DEMANDING WORKOUT REGIMEN. Because it is. OMG you guys it so is.

For years and years, I struggled with food. Being a woman, I was taught from a very young age that fat was not desirable or good in any way, shape, or form. It never came from my parents, a fact for which I am eternally grateful, but it came from pretty much every other source. Schoolmates, strangers, magazines. So I developed a really unhealthy relationship with food. I developed a really unhealthy obsession with not eating. Because one summer, I discovered that not eating worked really well at keeping the ol’ poundage off. I spent a lot of time beating myself up because I caved to my hunger pangs like some sort of pansy and then not only did I eat, I binged, and thus began the starve-binge-starve-binge-starve-binge cycle.

And then one day, I had had enough. I had just finished that stupid Special K diet (I advise you to never, under any circumstance, undertake that diet. You are starving yourself and depriving your body of seriously needed nutrients.) and I was sick. My BFF knows more about this because she witnessed it as an outsider but I was sick. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had had enough. It took a lot of work, it took a lot of tears, but I finally started to separate my thoughts about food from the act of eating.

It’s been years since that happened and it isn’t easy. Still. I slip back into it, especially when I’m stressed out, but I’m better at catching myself and making myself eat when I’m hungry. I eat as intuitively as I’m able (like, I’ve been craving shrimp for like two weeks and have yet to partake in any UGH I WANT SHRIMP SO BADLY) and ignore as much dieting talk as I can. Because when I listen or when I let it bore its way into my psyche, I fall off the wagon. I start restricting. I start craving the headache and the dizziness and the little thrum of adrenaline that shoots through my veins. And I can’t live like that.

So this is why we’re starting the blog. To give people a break from the diet talk. To talk about how to realistically workout when your goal is movement and not weight loss. To talk about how you will be hungry A LOT ALL OF THE TIME when you workout everyday. To talk about how you need to eat when you get hungry because otherwise you’re depriving your body of much-needed energy. Because it’s been a challenge for me, undertaking a workout routine and dealing with the onslaught of hunger. More than anything, it has taught me that I have so much farther to go in my battle against my disordered thinking. I wasn’t eating enough before. Most days I still don’t eat enough. I’m working on it, but I think that’s why our forthcoming blog is important. There are so many people like me who go online to find inspiration, help, or ideas, and they’re met with all of this fake fitspo that does more harm than good. And in the meantime, if you’re looking for someone to chat with about working out that doesn’t have anything to do with weight loss, send me an email!

Five minute diatribe

So I’m really full of it this morning because it’s TOUR DATE DAY and I’ve had it UP TO HERE, ABOVE MY HEAD, with people being douchey misogynists when it comes to women who like or participate in sports. Shut the eff up. We are not all in it for the hots guys. We are not all lesbians. We know the rules. We love the rush of adrenaline you get when your team takes the field. We have just as much right to be here and enjoy the game as you do. We have every right to discuss sports, to participate in sports, and to cover sports as you do. We are not unqualified because we have vaginas. We are not here for you to sexualize, harass, abuse, or belittle. We are not going away and we are not backing down. So just shut up and keep your snide commentary about women to yourselves. We’re too busy scoring the game.

Breakdown

Anyone who was within hearing distance of our apartment, or following me on Twitter, got to witness the absolute upheaval of my emotions tonight while I watched the OSU game. At the end of it all, as heartbroken as I am over the loss of the game, and more importantly, the loss of women’s basketball coach Kurt Budke and assistant coach Miranda Serna, I kind of think that ISU deserved to win that game. We played horribly. Whether it was just our time to lose, a bad night caused by the emotions of losing members of the OSU family, or a stupid fluke, ISU out-played us. It’s been a hell of a year for OSU football and guess what? It’s not over yet.

Image courtesy of baseball-bat.tumblr.com, which you probably should avoid if you are a rational and decent human being.

A few baseball-related notes: Justin Verlander won the AL Cy Young, Clayton Kershaw won the NL Cy Young, and four Giants pitchers got votes. Congratulations to our starting pitchers, who basically carried the team this season.

Darren Ford got DFA’d.

UGH TODAY.

Secondhand embarrassment

I’m from Oklahoma. I have no idea what to make of THIS shiz:

YOU ARE NOT SEATTLE AND YOUR SKYLINE IS DUMB

A long time ago, I was mildly obsessed with the Sonics and my parents were nice enough to take my brother and I (and them, obviously) to a game in Dallas to see the Sonics play and my dad and I sneaked down to the REALLY good seats, right next to the court, so we could watch the players run in and Shawn Kemp was SO ENTIRELY MASSIVE and it was amazing and AAAHHHH.

SO I TAKE OFFENSE TO THIS OKAY. I AM SORRY OKLAHOMA CITY BUT STOP IT. JUST STOP IT.

Electric Girl pointed out the “never forget” thing, which made her think of the bombing, and OKAY I can give you that, Oklahoma City. But idek if it has anything to actually do with piggybacking a sports team on a tragedy. Whatever. STILL NOT COOL, OKC.