Pablo Sandoval has managed to do what Hall of Famers Mel Ott, Bill Terry, Willie Mays and Willie McCovey never did - with his 19-game hit streak he now has the franchise record (since 1900) for the Giants longest hit streak to begin a season.
TRIGGER WARNING: mental illness, anxiety
The buzz among the Giants faithful today was the placement of Aubrey Huff on the 15-day DL. The reason? Anxiety. When I saw the first message about this, my heart sank for several reasons. First, because people are douchebags who will be really, really mean about this, and second, because I am intimate with anxiety.
People are Douchebags
It’s common knowledge for most people who use the internet with any frequency, but some people just aren’t aware that you should never read the comments. On anything. Ever. (Except on this blog!) Comment sections are where the lowest of the low go to wield their imaginary internet schlongs around so we all know that they exist. And that vague pronoun is vague on purpose. These are the people who will blatantly ignore an entire article or blog post just so they can submit a dissertation on the exact opposite point of the article/post. Or they submit a dissertation that proves the article’s/post’s point perfectly.
I was surprised when I started seeing mentions here and there about Giants fans and “are we going to be stereotypical or are we going to stop being dicks and start being Giants fans?” Sigh. Cool it with the jokes. This is a serious matter. Which brings me to point numero dos.
I Am Intimate With Anxiety
I will not divulge details but I have dealt with anxiety and panic disorders both personally and with loved ones for years. As I’ve grown to know anxiety and its aftermath, I’ve become more aware of its non-stop presence in my world. Friends of friends suffer from panic attacks, musicians I love experience crippling stage fright, baseball players I get frustrated with crumble under the weight of stress caused by high intensity jobs.
I wouldn’t wish a panic attack on anyone. I had a fairly horrendous one a few weeks ago, and I’m still trying to recover from it. Anxiety is no joke. When people I have a particular interest in – yes, even baseball players – get struck down by something so silent and insidious, my heart hurts. I am a fixer. A caretaker. If there’s a problem, yo I’ll solve it*. I’d love to give Aubrey a hug (I excel at enveloping), make him some tea, and just sit quietly nearby in case he needs more tea or a new movie in the DVD player or someone to talk to. Because I’ve been there and it’s terrifying and you ARE alone, because no one can be in your panic with you, but sometimes people can be BESIDE your panic and that can help an awful lot.
Whatever Aubrey Huff is dealing with is none of our business until he makes it our business. I hope he’s able to identify the trigger and work to resolve it. I hope he’s given the space he needs to figure it all out. Anxiety and panic disorders cannot be rushed or ignored. And I hope when we finally see Aubrey on the field again, we let him know that we’re pulling for him and wish him nothing but the best.
I mean, c’mon. How can you not wish this guy well?
Baseball feels
*Earworm!
This’ll be short because I have to finish getting everything ready for dinner with BFF’s parents tonight, but I was sitting on the couch icing my knee and I was like, “Hey, I should tell you guys about the awesome game we played today!” You should know that when I say awesome, I really mean bizarre. I mean, for starters, this happened:
How do you baseball
No, you’re not missing anything. The Giants are though – a second baseman. I mean, there was one in the game but he had never played at second before in his career, so when this ball went into play, he dived toward first before retreating back to second. But it was too late at that point, and Aubrey Huff is not very fast to begin with, so this was our undoing.
On the plus side, we were able to score three runs in the top of the ninth to tie the game up, but in order to get there, we had done some weird substituting and Aubrey Huff became our second baseman and oh dear god why. Posey on first yesterday, Huff on second today. What’s next for tomorrow? Pagan in the squat?
*Gif courtesy of findtheswagger on Tumblr.
I knew tonight’s game against the Phillies would be good. Generally, I both fear and anticipate a series against them because so much could happen. Both teams have a strong pitching staff. The Phillies have more power in their bats. We have more…luck? I don’t really know. But tonight’s game was so good, you guys. So good.
The first time I saw Cliff Lee pitch was during the World Series in 2010 when he played for the Texas Rangers. He’s one of the reasons I became a Rangers fan during the series (but I couldn’t tell anyone this because they were the Rangers and they were the enemy and grrrr). Even though he isn’t with the Rangers anymore, the plus side of seeing the Phillies for me is Cliff Lee. When I saw that he’d be battling Matt Cain, I knew we were in for a good one. I just didn’t know how good.
I am far too tired to look up the line on Cain and Lee but it’s impressive. They were almost neck and neck the entire game, down to the pitch count (Cain was almost always 1 pitch ahead). Cain came out after the 9th inning and Lee stayed in through the 10th. Both were consistent, both were pitching clean and tight with very few mistakes. We managed to get on base a bit more than the Phillies but we couldn’t do anything there. Lee’s pitching was that good.
In the end, we won when Brandon Belt (#FreeBelt) came in one or two outs into the top of the 11th. After Brandon Crawford struck out in the bottom of the 11th, Belt singled to center (I think). With one out and one man on, Angel Pagan singled to…somewhere on the field I don’t even remember (this is the best game recap ever, right? This is why I’m going to learn scoring this season) and then Melky Cabrera stepped up to the plate, and on the second or third pitch, ripped one right and Brandon Belt stretched those giraffey legs of his and hauled his ass to home plate. Giants poured from the dugout. Timmy cleared the railing with a single hop (both legs tucked under him), and Melky was dogpiled along the third base line. It was glorious. GLORIOUS!
ETA: Brian Wilson undergoes his second Tommy John surgery today (April 19). They’re calling it Tommy John but we all know what it is: a procedure for a bionic arm. We (me) wish you a successful surgery and a Posey-esque rehab. See you soon, Willie.
So this happened tonight.
Someone please kill me now
Our season is young, very young, and right now it looks like the most uncoordinated, bumbling baby that has ever existed. Our hitting is sporadic, our fielding is atrocious, and our pitching is…improving. Barry Zito and Tim Lincecum seem to be having some sort of Freaky Friday thing going on so far, which is very bad except for the way in which it is good: Zito’s pitching some amazing games. And hey, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a fan of his but I never wanted him to fail. Take it as your personal challenge to prove me wrong, Zeets.
Lincecum’s shaky (dismal) start to the season is a bummer, but tonight he showed some resiliency (6.0 IP, 8H, 5ER, 1BB, 6K — I thought he got 7? Must’ve lost count). I mean, his ERA is like, a zillion now but after the first inning, he seemed to settle in a little and he looked REALLY good in the 5th and 6th (or maybe just one of those innings, I can’t remember — this is why I need to start taking notes). The guy who had serious ownage on him didn’t do much all night, which was a relief. If our offense had been able to string together more hits, the game would’ve been a lot closer. We might’ve even won.
I started a post on Sunday about Pablo, Melky, and Vogelsong, but I didn’t get to finish it before it faded into the obscurity of the following game. The point I most wanted to make in it stands, as far as I’m concerned, and it’s about Pablo. I think they sacrificed batting and fielding in favor of conditioning in the offseason and during spring training. I think it shows in how sloppy Panda’s playing 3rd base. This isn’t a guy I’d trust behind the plate. I don’t think it has anything to do with his weight. He’s held that post down at higher weights.
I think Brandon Crawford is going to wear himself out trying to cover all the weak spots in our defense. Huff’s slow coming out of left, Panda’s getting sloppy, Burriss is better than Theriot at fielding but he’s still missed a few vital plays. Crawford’s effectively covering a lot of ground around those areas. Definitely has more hustle than we’ve seen at SS in awhile. When his bat gets hot – and I predict it will – he’s going to be an incredible asset to this team.
Tomorrow (Tuesday) our shining hope, Madison Bumgarner, takes the mound. Wednesday, Brian Wilson goes to see Dr. Andrews in Florida. This weekend’s news (season-ending injury) might not be as bad as initially thought but Willie’s going to be out for awhile at the very least, and it’s going to suck (for those of us who lovehate his innings). He’s going to rehab in SF, so I look forward to Kruk & Kuip inviting him upstairs for a chat during a few games.
As for the rest of the season, who knows? Maybe we’re just getting all of our bad ball out of the way now so we can spend the rest of the season dominating. It’s a dream, at least, and until it comes true, I’m going to cling tight to Buster Posey’s angel wings and pray for a miracle.
*Image courtesy of estrella55
Sometimes it feels like a curse. Sometimes it feels like death is the only preferable option. Sometimes it feels like there’s an elephant on my chest or sand in my lungs. Sometimes the pain is exquisite, delicate and sharp behind my lungs, resting on my stomach. Sometimes the person trapped inside screams, thrashes herself bloody against the walls, retches until her sides split open and everything rotten inside pours out onto my floors.
Tonight it is dark, deep blue, velvet under my fingers. Tonight it is bittersweet, staring out a dark window into a dark night. Tonight is cutting out my heart with a dull knife. Tonight is cold, stale, filled to the corners with emptiness. Tonight is mourning a friend who turned out to be a stranger. Tonight is evidence and conjecture, tonight is hopeless. Tonight is unending.
*
I have a very volatile relationship with my writing. I have for a very, very long time. If pressed, I think I’d call it my longest, most emotionally unstable relationship ever. I’ve thrown it away, only to pick it back up ten minutes later. We’ve experienced uncomfortable alienation from time to time. At best, we are antagonistic toward one another these days.
The italicized bit up there is how I felt about writing last night. Tonight I feel less. Next to nothing. I can’t decide which night is worst: the one where words won’t come or the one where I am apathetic toward the process.
Sad baseball feels.
This was a bad weekend for Giants fans. It was kind of a hilariously bad weekend. After struggling all last season to produce some offense while our pitchers killed themselves trying to hold opposing teams to as few runs as possible (the starters were the best at this overall, with the bullpen losing leads), our offense saw some resurgence in the first three games of the season. Our pitching fell a bit, but the funny thing is, they didn’t really pitch TOO badly. I mean, Tim got 7Ks on Friday. But Arizona jumped all over their mistakes, no matter how small, and since Arizona’s got some power on their bench…
Yesterday’s game was probably the worst. Blowing a 6-run lead is no bueno. Everyone – both teams – played kind of horribly. I think Pablo’s throwing problems are the result of too much focus on conditioning and not enough on baseball in the offseason. Even during spring training. I think we’re all expecting Posey to be perfect at the plate and behind it. He looked tired by the time Sunday rolled around but not so tired that he couldn’t whack a ball over the fence. It was beautiful. SO BEAUTIFUL.
Buster Posey I loooove youuuuu
Chris Stewart got his first start as catcher for the Yankees. I wanted to throw up when I saw the picture of him in the uniform. UGH. I haven’t checked his stats yet but I do know he got hit in the face mask by a foul tip because there were pictures of him doing his “I just got hit in the face mask” face.
God I miss Chris Stewart.
You know what sucks about going to the internet for inspiration and workout routines? You can’t escape bullshit fitspo blogs, websites, and “advice”. I say bullshit because it’s not fitspo (fitness inspiration), it’s just fat hatred or worse, pro-ana or pro-mia (pro anorexia or pro bulimia) stuff woven into talk about fitness. It’s frustrating when your goal isn’t to lose weight but rather to make your body function better. That’s all I want to do. I’m in my 30s now and that means things slow down a little and joints tighten up, and I don’t want to be hobbling around right NOW because what will that mean in twenty years?
The problem, again, is that almost every single place I look online for new workout ideas, I’m overwhelmed with WOULD YOU RATHER WORKOUT OR WOULD YOU RATHER BE A BIG FAT FATTY and honestly, as a big fat fatty, that kind of hurts my feelings. Because you know what? I have a really awesome life. It’s fulfilling and happy and more than I ever thought I’d achieve. The blanket assumption of fat = unhappy is annoying to many, many fat people. NEWSFLASH. We are not all miserable and hoping and praying that we’ll one day find the silver bullet to our fatness. No. Some of us are just fat. Deal with it.
Today I found this winner of an image on Pinterest and it REALLY PISSED ME OFF. Both of those things fit into my busy schedule. And because both of those things fit into my schedule, and the schedules of other fatties like me, my BFF and I are going to start a new blog. For exercising fatties. There will be no bullshit diet talk. There will be no YOU SHOULD EXERCISE TO BE THIN. There will be MOVE YOUR BODY IN ANYWAY YOU CAN BECAUSE IT FEELS GOOD and EATING LOTS OF CALORIES IS INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT WHEN UNDERTAKING A DEMANDING WORKOUT REGIMEN. Because it is. OMG you guys it so is.
For years and years, I struggled with food. Being a woman, I was taught from a very young age that fat was not desirable or good in any way, shape, or form. It never came from my parents, a fact for which I am eternally grateful, but it came from pretty much every other source. Schoolmates, strangers, magazines. So I developed a really unhealthy relationship with food. I developed a really unhealthy obsession with not eating. Because one summer, I discovered that not eating worked really well at keeping the ol’ poundage off. I spent a lot of time beating myself up because I caved to my hunger pangs like some sort of pansy and then not only did I eat, I binged, and thus began the starve-binge-starve-binge-starve-binge cycle.
And then one day, I had had enough. I had just finished that stupid Special K diet (I advise you to never, under any circumstance, undertake that diet. You are starving yourself and depriving your body of seriously needed nutrients.) and I was sick. My BFF knows more about this because she witnessed it as an outsider but I was sick. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I had had enough. It took a lot of work, it took a lot of tears, but I finally started to separate my thoughts about food from the act of eating.
It’s been years since that happened and it isn’t easy. Still. I slip back into it, especially when I’m stressed out, but I’m better at catching myself and making myself eat when I’m hungry. I eat as intuitively as I’m able (like, I’ve been craving shrimp for like two weeks and have yet to partake in any UGH I WANT SHRIMP SO BADLY) and ignore as much dieting talk as I can. Because when I listen or when I let it bore its way into my psyche, I fall off the wagon. I start restricting. I start craving the headache and the dizziness and the little thrum of adrenaline that shoots through my veins. And I can’t live like that.
So this is why we’re starting the blog. To give people a break from the diet talk. To talk about how to realistically workout when your goal is movement and not weight loss. To talk about how you will be hungry A LOT ALL OF THE TIME when you workout everyday. To talk about how you need to eat when you get hungry because otherwise you’re depriving your body of much-needed energy. Because it’s been a challenge for me, undertaking a workout routine and dealing with the onslaught of hunger. More than anything, it has taught me that I have so much farther to go in my battle against my disordered thinking. I wasn’t eating enough before. Most days I still don’t eat enough. I’m working on it, but I think that’s why our forthcoming blog is important. There are so many people like me who go online to find inspiration, help, or ideas, and they’re met with all of this fake fitspo that does more harm than good. And in the meantime, if you’re looking for someone to chat with about working out that doesn’t have anything to do with weight loss, send me an email!
