The invincible summer

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.

-Albert Camus

This has been one of my favorite quotes for a long time. I discovered it for the first time about 12 years ago and I wanted nothing more than to find my invincible summer. I was pretty sure Camus had it right — there WAS one. I just needed to figure out a way to find it. And I think I have.

I decided at some point, somewhat subconsciously, that this would be a summer full of skirts because I was sick to death of dying in jeans because I was too scared to show off my chubby, pasty legs. I found a couple of skirts at the thrift store and that was pretty much all the encouragement I needed (that and a few 100+ degree days). So far, I’ve worn jeans thrice in the past two months (Giants game, Harry Potter, and one day when I was too lazy to shave my legs, which was dumb since I didn’t shave them the next day either and wore a skirt) and it has been AWESOME.

In case you’re sitting at your computer wondering why this is a big deal, I’ll tell you why: I’M FAT. I’m unabashedly fat and anyone who has anything to say about it can kiss my fat ass. Seriously. Kiss it. IT NEEDS LOVE TOO.

Okay, where was I? Right. Being out and fat and all of that. So anyway, I figure that I have just as much a right to be comfortable in this god forsaken heat as the next wilting flower, so I’m going to wear WHATEVER I WANT when I go out. That includes sleeveless dresses, tank tops, shorts, and skirts. And let me tell you, internets, IT IS AMAZING. Seriously. I look at the weather forecast. I think about sweating my ass off in uncomfortable, rigid denim and then I move to the next section of my closet and find a skirt to wear.

This has been a long time coming for me. I have hidden my body for years and years, afraid of what people would say or think if they saw my FAT all over the place. And then I reached a point where I was tired of being uncomfortable just so everyone ELSE could be happy. Eff that, you know? Life’s too short to sit around and worry about what other people think. It’s hot during the summer and I want to wear skirts. I love skirts. I love dresses, too, and I rocked one this afternoon at Target. It felt good, not worrying about how much I was sweating under the little shrug I usually pair with the dress (for work).

Beyond the obvious perks (boost in self-esteem, not being miserable outside), there’s a fun bonus for me: MORE FRECKLES. I hated my freckles when I was little and I wanted anyone who thought they were cute to drop dead immediately. HOW DARE YOU THINK MY BURDEN IS ADOR ABLE? But now I get it and I love them. I have discovered an entire crop of them on my legs and they are glorious.

Another perk is that I have a tan line now! One I achieved organically (which means I didn’t have to get burned first)! At the pool! See, that’s another thing. I have pool time now. When I was a little kid, you couldn’t get me out of the pool. Ask my mom about the time I insisted on swimming in a hotel swimming pool when it was like 50 degrees out and then I got horrendously sick. But when I got older, I skipped the pool because ugh, I’m too fat and noooooooooooooooo. While I’m not entirely in love with my swimmy suit right now (when you buy one so late in the season, you don’t have much choice), I don’t mind going out in it. I still have some swimming pool anxieties, but nothing bad has happened yet so my anxieties are unfounded.

Finding your invincible summer is not easy. I didn’t even realize this was mine until I was right in the middle of it, literally DURING SUMMER. I’m enjoying life more now than I think I ever have (childhood excluded) and I think a lot of it is because I’ve unlocked this achievement. Now if I could just achieve Gamer Babe from Half Moon Bay status, I think my life would be complete.

Space filler, time waster

Since no one ever answered my questions in this post, I’m going to answer them myself. Every party has a pooper, that’s we invited YOU.

What’s your favorite song at the moment?: Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie

Where do you want to vacation this summer?: AT&T Park. Duh. Or Canada.

What color shirt are you wearing right now? Gray. It’s a very comfy t-shirt; you’re probably jealous you don’t have one like it.

What sports do you like? Baseball and hockey and college football and college basketball, please and thank you.

Do you know that the All Star game is tomorrow (or today, or yesterday, or three weeks ago, depending on when you read this)? Yes I do and the NL won and home field advantaaaage.

What’s your favorite snack? I love nuts and popcorn and watermelon (since it’s summer om nom nom)

Do you like sweets? HAVE WE MET?

Have you ever put your feet in the Atlantic Ocean? How about the Pacific? Yes and yes.

Which ocean do you prefer? Pacific. Sorry, Atlantic. Your beaches are weird and you’re about the same temperature as pee. I like my beaches more Pacific Northwesty and my water hypothermia cold.

Babies make great birth control

No, really. They do.

If you’re single, like me, and you enjoy your single existence, like I do, then you know that to spend five minutes in the presence of a child, no matter how cherubic and squishy, makes your ovaries retract up into your ribcage. Don’t argue. It’s science.

I work in an office with four other women and we enjoy a very unusual work environment: absolutely no drama. It’s strange but it’s true. It’s a nice place to work because we’re all friends, we all support one another, and there’s no competition (except for last month but that was for the sake of free food, so c’mon). Two of us want to have children. Three of us absolutely do not.

I don’t know why I’m telling you all of this incredibly boring and unimportant information. I’m suffering from a severe case of L;AKDJFL;AKSDJFLAKDJF ALKDSFJ ALDJ AJFLKJDSLFKJDSF when it comes to words – just take a look at the three (3) drafted posts in my dashboard. Oh wait. You CAN’T. But trust me, there are three (3) drafted posts that I both hate and want to finish.

This is the problem with having an intense, passionate relationship with words. Stringing them together can turn into a giant clusterEFF. Like, in a span of three seconds. The past three nights, I’ve sat down to get some writing done (posts and otherwise), and my brain has transformed itself into a big brick wall. BIG. BRICK. WALL. I can’t scale it. I can’t knock it down. All I can really do is stand there and flail my ineffectual fists at it.

Why have I been given this incredible gift of needing to have words available to me 24 hours a day? I don’t know. Someone up there must love me A LOT.

I think some of the brick wall is made up of what happened at work last week, which STILL has me distressed even though I have proof that it was not my fault at all and that in my line of work, it happens to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US. But still, it hurts your feelings when people don’t like you and think you’re an idiot. Even if you’re not an idiot and even if it’s not personal. It feels personal and that’s all that matters to my brain and my heart.

So I’m sitting here writing this post, with The Hangover on in the background (Bradley Cooper, me gusta), and No One’s Gonna Love You playing in iTunes. For a second there, I let the Tumblrites overtake my brain and I thought “IT IS SO TRUE. NO ONE’S GONNA LOVE ME” and then I remembered that that’s not FACT because a lot of people love me. I’m a loveable girl. It’s not MY fault that not ENOUGH people appreciate me.

Okay, this post is borderline creepy and completely weird. Do you have any questions for me, random people I probably know who don’t need any questions answered? Do you have any words of wisdom? Inspiration?

What’s your favorite song at the moment?

Where do you want to vacation this summer?

What color shirt are you wearing right now?

What sports do you like?

Do you know that the All Star game is tomorrow (or today, or yesterday, or three weeks ago, depending on when you read this)?

What’s your favorite snack?

Do you like sweets?

Have you ever put your feet in the Atlantic Ocean? How about the Pacific?

Which ocean do you prefer?